


The Story about The Staircase, The Picture and The Trousers...

by ana



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: Cake, Childhood, Family, High School, Humiliation, Humour, Memories, Minor Injuries, Original Character(s), Pranks and Practical Jokes, smartass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-31
Updated: 2011-08-31
Packaged: 2017-10-23 06:52:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana/pseuds/ana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For James prompt: "Wee! Ivan in school, dealing with the other kids (who are probably calling Miles a mutant.)"</p><p>Ivan relates a tale from his school days to his friend and neighbour.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Story about The Staircase, The Picture and The Trousers...

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [james](https://archiveofourown.org/users/james/pseuds/james) in the [2011_bujold_fest](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/2011_bujold_fest) collection. 



“ _Another_ box?”  Evie asked, watching him haul another box out of the closet; she was seated on the floor incinerating flimsies.  “You know, Ivan, when I agreed to help you clear up all this crap in your spare room, I had no idea you had _this_ much of it.”

“Neither did I,” Ivan lied.

“Well open the box then!  I’m guessing it’s either receipts, or more strange gifts from your exes. And I still say keeping your ex's underwear is ick.”

Ivan grinned. “I told you I didn’t know that was in there!” Roping in his neighbour to help him seemed like a good idea at the time, until Evie had discovered those stockings and suspenders with the illicit messages written all over them; yeah…that had been a little embarrassing.  His exes had given and sent him some interesting gifts…

But this box was neither from his exes or receipts; it was full of drawings he’d done when he was a kid.  Not just any kind of drawings, but caricatures of mainly his family.  He put the lid back on quickly as Evie had darted over to see.

“Oh come on…” she said giving him a wounded look as she sat down opposite him.  “This looks like something good.  The least could you do is let me see after all my hard work.”

“You’ve only been here an hour!”

“Good God, really? It feels like _days_!” She gave him a desperate look and put the back of hand to her forehead as if she was about to do a soap-vid faint.  Ivan laughed, opened the box and handed her a caricature he’d done of a school professor he hated.  The prof had a huge forehead and a thin long nose that was just crying out to be caricatured. 

“Oh! That’s good,” she said sounding surprised.  “I didn’t know you could draw.”

 “Yeah, a long time ago. But I don’t draw anymore, and definitely not caricatures.”  The memory had come back sharply.  He wondered if Miles had ever forgiven him.

“Why?”

“Got me into trouble at school - and with my cousin - and with some girls.”

Evie crossed her legs and looked at him expectantly.  Ivan shook his head.  “You don’t want to hear this.”

“A rare story form your childhood?  I damn well do want to hear it! And you know it won’t go further that this room.  You know that by now, right?  I’m saying this cos I know how paranoid you are _.  Please, Ivan - please - please…”_ The pleading went on for a while.

“Alright!” he laughed.  “I don’t think this story is going to embarrass anyone – except me,” he said sourly. “This happened at school with my cousin.  You know who I mean?”

“Yes, I have managed to cunningly figure out who your cousin is.”

“School wasn’t...ah…easy for him. Not the academic side – he was top of everything, but the…um-"

“Children can be quite vicious,” she said.

“Yeah.”

Ivan candidly told her how Miles was the subject of vicious teasing and bullying from the start; everyone calling him variations of mutant, mutie, mutie dwarf and so on and even one of the professors ‘accidentally’ let slip the name too.  It died down as the years went on and as Miles made friends, but if new kids arrived it would start all over again.  And some friends were more fair weather than others. Ivan remembered how Miles never seemed surprised when a friend would suddenly turn against him. Looking back on it, he seemed to gain some kind of sadistic pleasure out of telling Ivan: _I knew he wasn’t really my friend_.

“Did you back him up?” Evie asked.

“Of course!”

Well, he did his best.  He told Evie that If he tried to help Miles he was told variations of:  _“I can take care of myself – stop standing in my way you idiot ox.”_   If Ivan did nothing he was called a coward, traitor, turncoat -

“A turncoat?” Eve interrupted and laughed.  “Is that the way you boys spoke then?  Hey, is this is a Time of Isolation story?”

“Very funny.  My coz went through a phase using words no one understood.”

“You didn’t understand it?”

“Course I did!” he said defensively. “But other people didn’t.”  Ivan had had to look that word up and some other words too.  Ivan suspected Miles spent evenings looking up words that he knew Ivan wouldn’t understand.

“Let’s get to the caricature bit,” Evie said and then added, “But let’s get a drink first and don’t forget I’m meeting my friends in an hour, so I don’t want any cliff-hangers.”

A short while later they seated themselves on the sofa;   Evie with her spicy hot chocolate and Ivan with his coffee.   Then Evie went back to the kitchen and brought the box of desserts she’d bought from her favourite bakery.  Evie finally signalled she was ready, and Ivan began to tell her what had kicked it all off...

“The school is very old and has this-“

“Is this relevant?” Evie asked watching him halve all the various pastries and cakes in the large box, which he then placed between them on the sofa.

“What?” he asked looking up from the cakes.

“The description of the school?  Is it relevant?”

“Yes,” Ivan said, “it is.”

She laughed.  “No need to take _that_ officers tone with me, _Captain Vorpatril_.  I’m just asking. Go on…”

Ivan smiled.  “The school had this steep old spiral staircase covering four floors.  In a section of the school that was off-limits, so everyone dared each other to slide down the banister and everyone got caught.  There wasn’t any vid monitoring because of something to do with the building wiring, but there was a caretaker and guards.”

“I take it you and your cousin tried it?” she asked picking a chocolate slice as he knew she would.  Ivan picked the sticky nut pastry – he always left the chocolate ones for her anyway.

“Yeah. My coz said he’d sussed out all the timings, he’d hid some mats for our landing and said that if we both slid down straight after one another, at a specific time, we wouldn’t get caught.”

Eve swallowed her cake and tilted her head.  “How old are you in this story?”

“Um…Let’s say I could be anywhere from thirteen to fifteen – and I’m not going to be more specific than that.”

“Fine,” she said rolling her eyes.  “I’m sure you have some nice paranoid reason for that vague answer.  So your cousin was wrong?”

“Not if it had gone to plan.  But as usual, it didn’t.  He went down the banister head first, and as soon as I saw he was half way, I slid down...” Ivan touched his nose in remembrance and winced.

“So what went wrong?”

“My coz landed on the mats he’d put at the end – and took them all with him as he slid across the floor.  He slammed into the wall and broke his arm-“

Evie winced. “Oh God!”

“Oh it wasn’t that hard!  His bones were like that then – they’re all synthetic now.  I’m the one who deserves the damned sympathy.   I came straight down, and he’d only managed to put one mat back, but the top of my face didn’t reach it and it slammed into the floor – _are you laughing?_ ”

Evie’s hand was over her mouth and she shook her head, her shoulders shaking with laughter.  “I’m sorry,” she said letting out a snort of laughter.  “It’s just the image of you hitting the ground.  So I guess you couldn’t hide it?”

“We tried but we were too slow what with me being _concussed_ and _bleeding_.”

“ _And_ your cousin having a broken arm.”

“Hmm, yeah.  So my coz had to go to hospital. But after going to the infirmary, my injuries were deemed fine enough for me to wait for the headmaster.”

“Oh _that’s_ mean. I guess you were feeling a tad pissed off.”

“That’s one way of putting it. It was while I was waiting, _bandaged_ _up_ and _bleeding_ -“

Evie laughed. “Alright!” she said, “you’ve made your point!”

Ivan grinned. “Yeah, well I had to wait a long time and I ended up drawing on some scrap flimsies that they had in the outer office.”

“Is this the caricature bit?”

“Yeah, I drew one of my coz. It wasn’t very…flattering.”  Ivan didn’t describe it to Evie but he could see it even now: He’d given Miles a huge head; severely crooked back on a tiny body and his crumbling legs were crushing people beneath him.

“I was quite proud of it at the time.  I even signed it and then I felt bad, screwed it up and put it in my tunic – why are you holding up your hand?”

“I have a question, and since you’re talking about school it seems appropriate.”

“Go on, Miss Sorrentti.”

“You definitely have an officer’s voice!  Do you say things like _drop and give me twenty_ to your junior officers?”

Ivan nodded. “Yes, all the senior officers do.  If you went to HQ now, you’d see officers all over the corridors doing press-ups.”

Evie grinned. “What a wonderful image!  Can you describe what they’re wearing?”

Ivan laughed and flicked some cake crumbs at her. “What’s your question?”

“You implied that your cousin had got you into trouble before?”

“Yeah.”

“That his plans didn’t always go right?”

“Not as far as I was concerned, no,” he said dryly. 

“So why did you do it?” Evie asked eating another slice of chocolate cake.  “If you didn’t think it would work?”

“Um. Well, at the time his plans always seemed to make some kind of sense.”

“But you must have had a lot of fun then, even if you got into trouble sometimes?”

“Yes, if by fun you mean: injury, detention, constant lectures from m'mother and m'uncle and being under house arrest for months at a time.”

Evie looked confused then she suddenly grinned.  “Oh, I get it! You were his sidekick!”

“What? No, I’m not!”

“It sounded like you were getting kicked around to me! The side-kick can never say no and-“

“I wasn’t his side-kick!” Ivan said his voice rising.

“Alright, alright,” Evie said. “I didn’t mean to push your buttons.  I’m just trying to figure out your relationship.  You were very…loyal, I guess.”

 _Side-kick!_ Ivan was beginning to regret telling this story. 

There was a small silence and then Evie pushed over the last piece of chocolate cake closer to him.  “Peace offering?” she asked giving him the most pathetic look, which made him laugh. She smiled. “So go on…What happened to the caricature?”

Ivan sighed. “I lost it,” he said taking a long swallow of coffee. “I didn’t know where.  I looked everywhere for it and it didn’t turn up.  After a while I gave it up for lost.”

“But it turns up.”

“Yeah…So now we get to the second part of the story.  It’s about a month later and my coz is back in school, arm all fixed. The day he comes back is the day I’m meeting up with some girls after school.”

“Girls? As in plural?”

“Yeah, well, it’s not just me meeting them. There’s usually a few of us, but that day Vor- eh – let’s call him Voridiot and that’s a polite name for him - Oh, damn! I have to tell you more about Voridiot before I tell you the rest.”

“Can you tell me his real name?”

“No. Alright, some background. Voridiot and my coz were always competing for the top spot in every class.  The only class Voridiot beat him in was sport.”

“Were _you_ good at sport?”

Ivan smiled. “This isn’t relevant to the story.”

“Is that a no, then?”

Ivan knew he was being baited, but he took it anyway. “Swimming – backstroke - won quite a few district cups for the school too,” he said proudly.

Evie grinned.  “I should have guessed it would be swimming, since you swim every day.”

“It was a safe subject to excel in.”

Eve frowned.  “That’s an odd thing to say -”

“Yeah, forget I said it,” Ivan said hurriedly.  “Let’s get back to my story.  So the main thing you need to know about Voridiot is that a few months before the staircase event, he and my coz were involved in an academic debate in front of the school, and my coz tore him to pieces and - yes?”

Evie was holding up her hand again.  “What was the debate on?”

“It doesn’t matter!”

Evie looked at him closely.  “But I bet you can remember. Oh, come on, Ivan, I’m studying Barrayar – this is all assisting my education.”

Ivan sighed. “Fine.  It was to do with Betan Democracy – whether it would work on Barrayar or something.  My coz had to do the pro side.”

“Oh…Would I be wrong in thinking that this topic would be a touch explosive considering who his parents are and your uncle's position at that time?"

"No, you wouldn’t be wrong.  My coz didn’t pick the topic.” Ivan looked at Evie, wondering how to explain his school to her so she would understand.  “Not all the professors liked his family or their politics, so he went through this a lot and he wasn’t the only kid.  Sometimes the kids were worse than the professors, but not as subtle.  It’s just the way it was at that time.”  

“Did you go through it?”

“Not as much as my coz.”

Evie pulled a face. "I’m surprised you kids didn’t all end up with ulcers!  It sounds very kill or be killed.”

“Yeah….Of course, it worked the other way too,” Ivan said with a grin.  “Some kids and professors were scared shitless of saying anything to offend you.” But Evie didn’t look that comforted by that statement. 

He didn’t tell Evie, but he remembered when Miles had been subjected to some vicious verbal bullying from a new prof, and Ivan had tried to deflect some of it by asking the Prof some inane questions. This tactic would eventually get Ivan thrown out of class (a bonus as far as Ivan was concerned), and then he’d get a tongue lashing from Miles afterwards who told him he wasn’t helping. 

Ivan never told his mother about the Prof and he was sure Miles hadn’t told anyone either. But at the end of the week, his mother and Aunt Cordelia had arrived at the school, without an appointment, and had an impromptu tour - terrifying all the staff.  His mother had said they had gone in to discuss a fundraiser for the school and nothing else, but two weeks later the Prof was reassigned to a different class... 

“Alright,” said Evie interrupting his thoughts. “Let’s get back to the story; your cousin beat this Voridiot in the debate - so he was pissed off?"

"Not because of that,” Ivan said with a shake of his head. “These debates happened all the time.  It just made them both more competitive.  It’s what happened after.  When they shook hands at the end of the debate Voridiot whispered something to my coz; I don’t know what and he never told me.  But my coz then walked back to the podium.  He said in the spirit of education, or some such crap, he was going to make a few suggestions of things Voridiot could have said…And then he tore his own argument apart."

Evie’s eyes widened, a look of awe crossing her small face. "Are you saying your cousin debated _against himself_?"

Ivan had to admit it was a memorable moment.  "Oh yes. And he did a better job of it than Voridiot who he made look like an…idiot."

“In front of the whole school too.  I feel a bit sorry for this Voridiot.”

“Wait till you hear what happens when I meet these girls.”

“Are we coming to the end bit?”

“Yeah.”  

“Let me get another drink.”

Ivan stood up and motioned her to stay. “ _I’ll_ get it.  You finish that chocolate cake.”

“Only if you’re sure you don’t want it…”

The cake was finished by the time Ivan returned with refills.  He endured a small critique from Evie on how he’d got the balance of spice wrong in her hot chocolate, but she said it was very close.

Ivan demolished another half pastry, and then explained to Evie about how the girls from the neighbouring school often came over to join in the formal dance lessons at the school.  It was a few of these girls that he and a few other boys would arrange meet-ups with after school.  The meet-ups always took place at a halfway point between the schools – a derelict old caretaker’s cottage. 

“Voridiot always tried to take charge of who could go; not with me, but with the ones who worshipped him.” Ivan couldn’t help sneering even now.

Evie grinned.  “You weren’t a fan?”

“No, but his girl and mine were best friends and they always insisted we all see each other together.  But he said on this particular day it would just be me and him and our girls because he was bringing his cousin. She wanted to meet my coz as she was doing a class project on my uncle, so Voridiot wanted me to ask my coz to join us.”

“Set up?”

Ivan nodded. “That’s what we thought so we drove-“

Evie gasped. “You could drive?”

“Oh no, my coz had a driver - he was like a bodyguard too.  He agreed to wait outside the cottage in case it was a set-up.  So we go to the cottage, Voridiot’s cousin comes outside and speaks to my coz for a bit and finding her genuinely boring, my coz agrees to stay and talk to her.”

“So what did you all do in this cottage?”

“Talk, drink and you know, it was just kissing and stuff; nothing heavy although my hormones were starting to race faster than my brain...”

Evie smiled.  “Am I guessing right that you haven’t yet –“

“You’re guessing right and no, I’m not telling you story of the first time I got laid.”

“Spoil sport! I suppose you’re not going to tell me the names of these girls either?”

“Correct.”

Ivan thought about what he was about to tell her and there was a long pause in their conversation.

“You’re not bottling out now are you?” she asked.

“The next part is very embarrassing!”

“I won’t laugh.  I’ll try not to laugh” she amended.

“Hmm...” Ivan chewed on his lip, then swore and threw his hands up in defeat. “Well, I’ve told you this much!” He sighed. “So my coz is in the corner talking to that girl who really is interested in what he has to say.”

“Your poor cousin.  No action, eh?”

Ivan shook his head. “No.  I got all the action,” he said sourly.  “At this point I should tell you the last _relevant_ background bit.  Voridiot used to be with my girl before she switched to me.  He said he wasn’t interested anymore, but really _she_ ditched _him_ …”

“I take it this caused a problem?”

“Not until that day at the cottage; turns out Voridiot was picking his moment - for me and my coz.”

Evie shivered.  “He sounds frightening.  So what happened?”

“We get inside and we pair off.  I go with my girl to a room at the back where we have some wine.”

“Wine?  How grown up!”

He laughed.  “Yeah, we thought so…I would _borrow_ a bottle now and then and stash it there.  To cut a long story very short, my girl spills some of the wine on my trousers and boots; she then insists that I take them off so she can clean them up in the kitchen – it’s just a sink really.  Since she won’t stop apologising, I stupidly let her take them…”

  
“I think I can see a glimmer of what’s about to happen.”

“You mean you figured out she would throw them out the window to her friend who would run off with them?  

“Oh, Ivan!”

“Yeah.  She then bursts back into the room with her friend and starts screaming at me, her friend too – they’re both talking over each other. Everyone else comes into the room too, and hears her say that Voridiot had told her that I was not only spreading stories about her, but that I was about to ditch her because I’d said her legs were locked at the knee.”

“You didn’t say that did you?”

“I damned well didn’t!  I told her Voridiot was the one who had said it, and that he’d said she was too childish for him, he denied it, but then I was in luck - his cousin took my side. She said she’d overheard Voridiot talk about this with a friend of his at the house.  She also gave him and the girls a lecture on their immaturity and - yes?”  Evie had her hand raised again

“Sorry, I know this is at a climactic part, but I need to know - what are you wearing at this point?”

Ivan grimaced and put a hand over his face; the memory far too clear.

“My tunic, underwear and socks.”

Evie grinned. “Alright, carry on.”

“The girls are now turning on Voridiot, but he doesn’t care.  This is when he pulls out the caricature.”

“What a bastard!”

“Yeah, his big moment.  He said he’d found it and it showed what I really thought of my cousin and some other stuff I can’t remember…” He’d snatched it off Voridiot, but not before everyone had seen it including Miles.  He remembered Miles’s face vividly; chalk white and bloodless and Ivan had been struck dumb.  The girls had laughed at the picture, and then Voridiot’s cousin made things even worse by saying, “Oh you poor little thing.” If there was one thing Miles couldn’t stand it was pity, and also being called little didn’t help – Miles walked out. 

“Is this the end?” Evie asked.

Ivan shook his head. “No.  You might as well know the whole thing.  After my coz has gone, Voridiot said how he’d made copies and placed them on the bulletin boards at school, and tomorrow morning everyone would see them.  To be fair, the girls didn’t like this. I don’t think they knew about the caricature plot, but Voridiot didn’t care, he’d got his revenge on us both.  Getting the girls to take my trousers and boots was just a humiliation bonus.”

 “Oh I _hate_ this boy!  But what an idiot! The evil villain always has to brag - so what did you do?”

“I hit him, shoved him, really and ran back to school.”

“Sans trousers?”

“Yeah…and sans socks because halfway to the school they got soaked in the rain.  Am I painting enough of a pathetic picture?” he said with a laugh.

“I wish I’d saved you that chocolate cake.”

“Thank you.  So I took all the copies off the noticeboards and incinerated them.”

Evie’s eyes narrowed as she surveyed him. “You’re missing something out.”

Ivan sighed.  “Yeah.  I was chased by the caretaker on each floor who kept yelling at me to stop; that I wasn’t allowed on school property after hours without a pass and that he’d report me for not wearing any trousers.”

Evie was clutching her stomach laughing, and even Ivan had to admit, looking back at it now, the image was amusing. 

“I was suspended for one month,” Ivan said and added, “and I was under house arrest for two.”

“Did you tell your mother why?”

“Oh, she half knew why.  She insisted on seeing the school security vid - she and the staff all knew what I’d incinerated.  Voridiot never made any more copies, or I’m sure they would have surfaced, several times, by now.” Either that or someone got to him first…

Evie was giving him a heartfelt look.  “Your mother saw you running around the school in your - _oh, Ivan…”_

“Yeah she was also pissed off that I refused to give her an explanation of how I lost my boots and trousers.  I said it was a matter of honour.  I don’t know what those girls did with them.”

“Did you ever see them again?” 

“Only at dance lessons and I never spoke to them again.  I swore off all women!”

Evie smiled.  “How long did that last?”

“About half a day.”

Evie looked into the cake box and picked up the chocolate crumbs with her finger tips, avoiding the pastries.  “Did your cousin ever forgive you?” she asked quietly.

Now there was a question… “He did drive back to the cottage to get me, but I’d already left.”

“I’m sure he knew you were sorry,” she said firmly.

“Hmm…yeah.”  They never talked about it, but they’d been through worse things since then.  Ivan looked at the chrono, disappointed. “You’ll be late.”

Evie looked too.  “Damn.  Time’s gone fast! Yeah, I better go, although my friends always order without me anyway.”

“You’re going to _dinner_?”

“Yeah, I’m starving,” she said getting up and stretching. “So did you never draw again after this then?”

“No, but it wasn’t deliberate.”  At least he didn’t think it was…

Evie was shaking her head.  “That’s a shame. I mean you made a mistake, you’re obviously sorry.  You should _draw a line under it_ and move on – did you see what I did there?”

“Yeah,” he laughed, walking her to the door and watching her put her boots on.

“Thanks - for the story,” she said.

“You’re welcome.”

She looked up at him and grinned.  “So your first time-“

“No.”

Evie stood up and bounced on her toes.  “Oh, but I don’t want to know how old you were, just _where_ – and all the other stuff.”

“What?”

Evie shrugged.  “I always think the location is more interesting.  But I take it yours was at that cottage?”

Ivan shook his head. “Wrong guess; I stopped going there…Actually, come to think of it, the location is more interesting of my first experience, although technically it wasn’t – you’re going to be late.”

“Oh!  You are such a _tease!"_

Ivan grinned. Then she gave him a look.  “If I tell you mine will you tell me yours?”

Ivan folded his arms and looked at her as if he was really thinking about it.  “Maybe…” Then he laughed. “Alright, yes, but _not_ today.  Go, enjoy your meal.”  

Evie, satisfied with that answer, wished him a good evening and she left.

Ivan went back to the box of drawings and sat at the incinerator. There was a drawing of his mother feeding a teenage Emperor a bottle as if he was a baby– he’d drawn that when she hadn’t turned up to one of his swimming competitions because of some event at the Residence.  There was also a picture of his uncle looming over him, and wagging his finger at him – his uncle had done neither. His lectures were always eye to eye, intense but never angry; he couldn’t recall why he’d drawn that one.  And there was one of his Aunt Cordelia, her hair flying behind her, with a huge hammer poised to smash Barrayar – he’d done a speech bubble out of her mouth saying: BARRAYARANS!!! His aunt would probably like that one, but he knew there was a lot of school boy resentment in these that he didn’t feel anymore, and if he had it had been fleeting…

He incinerated the lot and felt better for it.  But he kept the one of that bastard professor that had bullied Miles.

Later that night, before he went to sleep, the concierge brought up a delivery. It was from Evie.  A box full of drawing supplies and a note: _You don’t have to only draw caricatures.  Draw something else…  Evie x_

Ivan looked at the box and smiled.  _Maybe, but not today…_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the wonderful Avantika for beta checking and giving me a (figurative) slap :D  
> There is a slight nod in this story to Nicolas in Isabel Allende's House of Spirits…  
> This is my first Bujold Fest effort *bites nails*... hope you like.


End file.
